HALLOWEEN CAPERS By Nigel Dean

s guys is a true story, incredible perhaps

Let me introduce those of you who do not know them to a couple of my friends.  First of all this is Steve - right there on the left.  Horny little bugger aint he ?   Steve features in a number of my stories and if you have read any you will know he is a champion bulshitter.  If ever it became an Olympic sport he could represent England and take the gold medal without any problem at all ! This guy could also bullshit himself, at times he blew so much smoke up his own arse he could puff it out of his ears.

In this way and self assessment my friend excelled in all matters and knowledge appertaining to the supernatural.  Steve firmly believed in a parallel universe inhabited by spooks, ghouls and all manner of things determined to cross swords with we mere mortals in our daily lives.  To listen to him he was most convincing, well some of the time anyway.

My story begins late one Thursday evening. I was at home alone in my little flat watching some crap on television when the front door bell rang.  It wasn't a single quick ring but a series of long and determined blasts.  Whoever was there tey were trying to instill within me a sense of urgency but who could it be ?

Standing there on my doorstep and shivering with cold was Steve.

"Can we come in ?"  Steve said.  "We're frozen."

"Sure."

Steve wasn't alone, he had another lad with him.

"This is John,"  Steve introduced the stranger.

Both were dressed in motorbike leathers and held crash helmets in their hands.

"Come in,"  I gestured.  "Coffee ?"

"Yes please,"  John said.

"Black, strong and very hot," Steve added.

Although it was autumn and pushing towards November it was unusually mild for the time of year so why were they so cold ?  

Steve explained. "We've been over to Crickhill, there's a site there that's supposed to be the most haunted place in England."

"No supposed about it,"  John added, "that place is pure evil"

Yeah, yeah !  I thought silently to myself.

"It was like an aura of ice cold air surrounded us,"  Steve continued.

"It shit scared me,"  John said.

Bullshit scared I thought and bit my lip not to speak the words. Typical Steve and here he had found another gullible lad to scare witless.  Crickhill is more than twenty miles away, I've never ridden a motor cycle myself but I doubt it is a warm and comfortable experience.  Any wonder they were cold.

We drank gallons of coffee as Steve spun out the full details of the story.  What a twat !   Going in search of a deconsecrated church and what ever ghouls or ghosts they could find lurking in t he night.  I listened patiently and tried not to laugh.

That would have been that had I not told another mate about Steve and John's ghost hunting expedition.

Time to introduce you to Carl - that's him on the right.  Carl also appears in several of my stories.  Carl was an extra special mate, a wank and fuck buddy extordinare. Carl had moved to London and worked in the offices of the London Underground but each week-end came and stayed with me. We had some great fun together I can tell you.

Carl had a wicked sense of humor and when I told him about Steve and John his eyes twinkled with mischief. "Next Saturday is Halloween," he sniggered, "invite them both over for the evening and we'll put the willies up them.  Metaphorically and if we are lucky literally as well !"

"What you thinking of ?"

"Leave it to me,"  Carl winked and eye and tapped the side of his nose with a finger. "The trick will be on them and the treat will be all ours !"

Steve and Carl knew one another through their individual friendship with myself although I am sure Steve had no idea quite how intimate my relationship with Carl was.  Steve and I used to play squash together and after a hard game would relax bollock naked in the sauna.  Steve and I had our own times of man-fun but these were on a much more simple scale than anything I enjoyed with Carl and Carl had never made up a threesome with Steve.  Suffice to say that Carl knew of Steve's bisexual tendencies and would love to exploit those inclinations making Halloween something to remember. 

The night of All Hallows that year fell on a Saturday, Carl came up from London by train after work on the Friday.  I was eager to learn his plan but my friend was coy and secretive.  "Be patient and wait until tomorrow."

When tomorrow came he did not relax his secrecy but did produce and ouiji board.  I had heard of such things of course and knew what they looked like but had never seen one before.

"Where did you get that from ?"

"There's a shop in Soho,"  Carl explained, "it sells all kinds of spooky stuff."

"Is this a genuine ouijo board then ?"

"As genuine as bullshit can be,"  Carl laughed. "It'll do well for tonight.  Now I need to run down to the shops before the party starts.  I am, going into town so I'll be a couple of hours."

"Want me to drive you ?"

"No you stop and organise the food.  I'll take the bus."

There wasn't much to organise, for the Halloween party I planned to throw a few sausages into the oven and make some hotdogs.  Our local supermarket had been selling pumpkin pie, popular so I am told in the United States at this time of the year but a total novelty here in England.  I thought we could give it a try.  Once these slender preparations were done I took a close look at Carl's ouiji board.

It was a round circle coloured in a swirling pattern of greens and browns.  The letters were gold and formed about the edges but in no apparent order.  It was, of course, all mumbo jumbo but Steve would believe in it without any question.  I fetched a glass tumbler from the kitchen and pushed it about the board.  The surface was such that it glided with amazing ease.

Carl came back laden with plastic carrier bags.  He produced some candles, incense sticks and a variety of bottles.  Four two litre bottles of strong cider, two of non-alcoholic apple juice and a small bottle of vodka.  Contained in a cardboard box were four large drinking glasses.

"We want them to be relaxed,"  Carl explained,  "so I'll drain off some cider in two of the bottles then top them up with the vodka."  He scuffed the paper labels on two of the bottles with his thumb-nail.  "These two that I've marked can have the vodka in them.  Take off the screw tops and place a glass upturned on each before you hand them to Steve and his mate, that way they won't be suspicious that the bottles have been opened."

"Clever, and we get the other two bottles ?"

"Fraid not,"  Carl said opening them and pouring the contents down the sink.

"Hey !"

"We are on the fizzy apple juice.  Now do you have a Bible ?"

"Somewhere."

"Find it but don't have it on show, just have it ready for when the need arises."

"What are you going to use a Bible for ?"

"It's all part of the plan."

"But a Bible, I'm not sure about that."

"Oh come on, Christianity is just socially acceptable mumbo jumbo.  What are you worried about ?"

Steve and John were due to come round at eight, by the time they arrived Carl had the room illuminated only by candle light and the house full of t he aroma of burning incense.  If I didn't know better I would have said the whole thing was very spooky. This was going to be fun and if I knew Carl he would stitch Steve up like a kipper but I still wasn't comfortable about his using a Bible.  In the kitchen as I prepared the food and Carl the drinks I repeated my concerns.

"What are you going to do with a Bible ?"

"Don't worry !"

"It doesn't feel right."

"Trust me, I am not going to commit some act of blasphemy that will send us all straight to Hell."

"But -"

My protests were cut short.  "Need any help ?"  It was Steve.  "That looks good, can't have a séance on an empty stomach."

"And how about some good old English scrumpy cider to lubricate the spirits,"  Carl added.

"Great."

"Here, you take these for you and John, I'll bring these through for Nigel and me."

As Steve turned away Carl winked a playful but ever so slightly evil eye at me.

We tucked into the hot dogs and the pumpkin pie went down very well.  I had never eaten it before and neither had any of the other three.  Some of the candles had burned quite low so in preparation for our seance Carl went round replacing them. In the warm yellow glow the ouiji board, complete with its glass tumbler, sat on a small coffee table.  We gathered round and Steve took charge.  At least he thought he was in charge, Carl had other ideas.

"It is very important,"  Steve explained, "that nobody breaks the circle.  If you do we could release a spirit into this world without a way to return and leave it trapped here for all eternity."

He sounded very serious and knowledgeable even if he was talking h is usual bullshit and exactly what did one have to do to break the circle ?

"Now place the index finger of your right hand on the glass, all fingers must lightly touch the glass and not touch one another.  Do not attempt to push the glass, if there are any spirits here they will move the glass without any help from us.

Did he really believe that ?  Did he expect us to believe it ?

"Is there anyone here with us ?" Steve toned in a voice better suited to a character in a third rate horror movie.  I wanted to burst out laughing but restrained myself. "Make yourself known to us."

There was no breeze but all of the candles simultaneously flickered, burned low then flamed up again.   How had that happened ?

"Is there a spirit with us ?"

The glass began to move, even though I knew it was Carl who was pushing it a shiver ran down the length of my spine.  The glass came to rest opposite the letter P.  It paused then moved to E.

"P - E," Steve said.

R, the glass moved to R.  Then to H and A, back to P and finally S

"P-E-R-H-A-P-S, perhaps."

"What does that mean ?"  John asked.

Before anyone could offer and answer one of the candles inexplicably fell over and onto the floor.  Sod breaking the circle, I wasn't about to have my home set on fire so instinctively darted across the room.  In my noble attempt to stall any inferno I tripped over a small magazine rack grazing my shin and catapulting a book out on to the carpet.  It fell face down and remained so as I secured the candle and returned to my place at the board.

"Sorry Steve."  Why was I apologising at my own party in my own home ?  Never mind.

Steve continued the seance.  "Spirit please explain yourself."

The glass began to slide again across the board, with speed increasing to a point where the four of us found it hard to speak out the letters a new message was spelt out.

I-F  Y-O-U  W-A-N-T  T-O S-P-E-A-K  W-I-T-H  M-E  Y-O-U  M-U-S-T  A-L-L  B-E  A-S  I-N  T-H-E  T-I-T-L-E  O-F  T-H-E  B-O-O-K

"What book ?"  John asked.

"Spirit what book do you mean ?"  Steve spoke slowly lifting his eyes upwards.

There was no reply.

"Spirit please help we do not understand."

Silence.

"If you want to speak with me you must all be as in the title of the book,"  John  repeated  the message.  "Is that cryptic do you think ?"

I didn't have a clue.  It had to be Carl playing about with the thought of the Bible but what was there in the title of the Bible that we all had to assume ? Carl offered an explanation.

"What's that book you just kicked across the room when you did your Fireman Sam impersonation ?"

It was a cookery book someone had given me for Christmas, recipes based on a Jamie Oliver television series.  I explained.

"What's the title ?"  Carl said reaching for the book.  "Here it is - The Naked Chef !"

How ever had Carl managed to work that into his game ?  Still I was grateful he has respected my reservations about using the Bible.  Of course Carl would have seen the book by Jamie Oliver about the flat and had cunningly steered the ouiji board to it.  But then it h ad been me who had kicked it across  the room and after all it had been an accident.

"The Naked Chef,"  Steve mused. "Is the spirit telling us to be naked ?"

"I don't have a problem with that,"  Carl declared pulling his shirt up and over his head.  "Aren't you supposed to be naked anyway when calling on the spirits ?"

"That's in a black mass," Steve explained, "we're only holding a simple séance."

Time for me to support Carl.  "Well I vote we do it."  I kicked off my trainers and unfastened my jeans.

Carl was down to his underpants.  "Come along, I want to hear what this ghost has to say."

Steve didn't have a problem being bollock naked but even with the vodka cider cocktail inside him John was a little hesitant.  However the unspoken power of the group gave him not choice.  God, I tell you if I had inside my underpants that which he had in his I'd be proud to show it off to as many people as wanted to see.

Stark naked the four of us resumed our positions round the ouiji board.  I knew the naked contour of Carl's body as well as I did my own and Steve minus clothing was familiar from our many visits to the sauna at the leisure centre.  But John - fucking hell !  I could not stop my eyes from seizing every opportunity to glance at him.

"Spirit is this what you wanted ?"  Steve asked.

The glass began to move Y-E-S.

"What spirit would you like to say to us ?"

Y-O-U  A-L-L  L-O-O-K  V-E-R-Y  N-I-C-E

There was a definite breeze in the room, strange the doors and windows were all closed.  Now and then the candles would flicker and I could feel a movement of air caressing my naked body.  It wasn't a cold air but a warm, gentle sensation stroking my skin.

"Thank you,"  Steve said.  "You are kind."

"Oh come along Steve,"  I whispered under my breath, "you can do better than that you sound like some nerd starting a conversation in an internet chat room."

I am not sure if he heard me or not, his next words of conversation were not intended for the spirit's ears nor for ours but just an automatic reaction to events.  "Shit I'm getting a hard on !"

E-X-C-E-L-L-E-N-T

Steve did not reply, he took his finger away from the glass on the ouiji board and pushed his hands out behind him to arch his back and now solid cock upwards.  I had seen Steve naked before, many times and had shared a wank with him but I swear that day his cock was bigger than I had ever seen it.  He closed his eyes and began to moan, not a moan of pain or complaint but one of pleasure  Although he was in no way touching his cock, his hands were on the floor behind him, it began to move on its own.  It stood at a small angle from his body and motioned left to right.  The foreskin was stretched back but relaxed, tightened and relaxed again.  How did he do that ?

"Fucking hell !"  The words were John's but he spoke for us all.

I looked at Carl but his impish grin had been replaced by a look of astonishment.  Muscles in Steve's body were tightening and beads of sweat formed on both his face and chest.  Of course he was acting and acting m ost convincingly but I was not comfortable.  Steve's moaning had moved through cries of delight to loud squeals of intensive pleasure.  Te three of us stared in utter amazement.

For how long we watched I can not tell you but finally Steve came. His solid cock twitched and went through every movement you and I know well and associate with an orgasm, save for one - no jizz was ejaculated.  At least none was visible.  This went on for an age until he finally sat up and opened his eyes.

"What happened ?"  Steve was out of breath and panted his question.

"I'd say you've just been given a blow job by a ghost,"  Carl giggled.  "Lucky sod !"

Of all the bullshit Steve had come up with over the years this was the most convincing but even so it did not persuade me.  What a guy !

The four of us were all still bollock naked, nobody made any move to put their clothes on.

"I'll go and make some coffee,"  I offered.

"I'll give you a hand," Carl said.

In the kitchen I closed the door and began to talk rapidly.  "That guy has more bullshit in him than a herd of Guernsey cows with diarrhea !"

"That would be cow shit,"  Carl giggled, "not bullshit.  Still you stitched him up good and proper.  Well done."  He playfully slapped my arse.  "You pushed the glass about without anyone suspecting a thing."

"I didn't push it !  You did !"

Carl shook his head.  "No I didn't.  And that idea using the Naked Chef book was great.  I know you weren't happy about my using the Bible so it was clever of you to think of it."

"But -"

"I was going to push the glass to refer to a verse in the book of Samuel - chapter six verse fourteen, I looked it up and memorised the reference. David danced naked before the altar of the Lord.

"I didn't do it, I didn't do anything.  It must have been Steve."

"But Steve didn't kick the Jamie Oliver Naked Chef book across the room."

I was confused.  "Don't be daft."

"I'd say we've just found ourselves a gay ghost,"  Carl chuckled.

"That's crazy."

"Why ? They say one in ten mortals are gay or have gay tendencies so why not the same in a world of spirits ?"

I was very confused, was Carl in league with Steve ?  Was I the one who was being stitched up ?  Was the joke on me ?  Before I could express these sentiments there was a wild scream from the living room.  We dashed back to Steve and John.  John was kneeling on all fours while something was fucking him for all it was worth.  John was emulating Steve's bullshit but there were two factors which were not right.  His bum cheeks were parted and an aperture between them open.  John was crying with wild delight but I swear amidst all the row I could hear t he slap-slap of groin on buttocks.

"Look at the candles,"  Carl said.

All were burning brightly and had been alight now for about an hour yet they were as tall and new as when Carl had first lit them.

"Steve stop this !"  I demanded

"I cant, I can't,"  he said pathetically.

"I can !"  I picked up the glass from the centre of the ouiji board and hurled it at the wall.  It smashed into a thousand pieces scattering tiny shards all over the room.  With no regard for cutting his feet Carl moved quickly from candle to candle snuffing each by banking the palm of his hand down on to the flame. I switched on the electric light and normality started to return.  It no longer felt right to be naked, I grabbed my jeans and put them on.  Carl, John and Steve did the same.

"What the fuck was that all about ?"

Steve forced a thin smile and said nothing.  It was the first time in all the years I had known him that he was lost for words.